Daily Entertainment.

[muji]

Welcome to Monday.

Tell me a joke?

Comments

[newredshoes]

The only joke I ever have onhand is "Three men walk into a bar. One ducks." But on a different note, you know the verb I would love to see banned from headlines? "Blasts." Like, "Politician blasts opponent." All I can think of is blast-ended skrewts with the face of [take a pick], and it's an odd way to go through reading the news.

[muji]

...Now you get to tell me what that icon is of.

[newredshoes]

JEFFSTER.

STEPH. Holy crap, have you not seen Chuck?

STEPH. IT HAS ADAM BALDWIN IN IT. And also it wins!

[muji]

I have failed in the Chuck watching, yes. /lame

I even meant to watch it! Of course, now I forget what else I was watching that prevented my consumption of said show.

[newredshoes]

See, knowing is the first step. It's one of those shows that I thought I was just going to resent just because everyone said it was so good, but then I saw the first few episodes and was really charmed. And then, while you're watching, all of a sudden it becomes really insanely good! -- but you'll have to wait until early next year at the earliest for new episodes, because NBC is run by a bunch of morons.

You should still start S1 now, though. It's on DVD! And I think you can stream the rest on NBC. *helpful*

[muji]

I could put my Netflix queue to work again.

[newredshoes]

I vote yes on this one!

[allstarchuck.livejournal.com]

the first season was up on thewb.com last I checked. <<

[pheliskougra]

Mickey goes to a lawyer about getting a divorce with Minnie. The lawyer listens to him a bit and says "I'm sorry Mickey, but you can not simply divorce her because you think she is insane", and goes on a lenghty explanation about the need of medical evaluations and how that kind of reasoning could not stand in court...

Mickey looks stunned and interrupts "I didn't say she was insane I said she was f*cking Goofy."

[muji]

...HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[dynastessa]

LOL.

[camwyn]

So there's this village of creatures called Trids, okay? They're like Smurfs, they're just red instead of blue, it doesn't matter. The Trids have this village and they're happy in it most of the time, but one day this horrible ogre comes down from a nearby mountain and starts storming through the village, kicking Trids as hard as he can just to watch them fly through the air. *PUNT* "AIEEEE!" etc. *PUNT* "AIEEEEE!" etc. You get the picture. The Trids can't do much about it because he's an ogre and they're Trids, and what're little guys like Trids gonna do about an ogre like that?

Well, lucky for them one day a wandering rabbi comes along. "Oh, rabbi!" say the Trids. "Please, please, help us!" And they explain their situation, and he says it's awful, and he agrees to help them. So the first thing he does is go to look for the ogre, but he can't find the ogre's lair. So he figures, you know, the easiest way to find the ogre is to act as much like a Trid as he can. And he tries that, with the berry-gathering and the singing and whatnot, and okay, he happens to look up and spot the ogre- but the ogre's just watching him. Not doing anything. The rabbi thinks, okay, maybe I need to get his attention more, and so he starts singing louder and practically skipping around the way Trids do- I did say they're like Smurfs- until he's right in front of the ogre. And still nothing. "Hey!" says the rabbi. "What's up with this? Here I am, why don't you try kicking me halfway to Hotzenplotz?"

The ogre looks at him, and laughs. "Silly rabbi," he says, "kicks are for Trids."

[muji]

xD /groans

I love story-jokes like that, too.

[camwyn]

*bows* And for my encore...

There's a new rabbi at this congregation in town, and he's really on the ball. Man knows his stuff backwards, forwards, inside and out and upside down. He's friendly and thoughtful and great with people, and his one real failing is a weakness for golf. The congregation's pretty much okay with this, since there's loads worse things he could be into, so he tries to keep it under control. And mostly it's good.

But one day it happens that the first Sabbath after a long and ugly winter is absolutely perfect weather, and, well, our rabbi's tempted. Powerfully tempted. Eventually he decides that just this once it'll be okay, so he sends up a prayer of apology for breaking the Sabbath, grabs his clubs, and heads out to the course early, before anyone's up who might see him.

It so happens, however, that Moses is looking down from heaven at that moment, and hoo boy does he ever flip his lid. "Lord, Lord!" he calls, going running straight to the Heavenly Throne. "Will you look at what this man is doing on Your Sabbath! You've got to do something!"

So the Lord looks down from Heaven, and he sees our young rabbi lining up his shot at the first tee. With a sigh he says, "Okay, I'll handle it." And he draws in a breath, and he blows on the ball, and WHACK! The rabbi's first shot of the first hole is an absolutely, utterly, totally flawless hole in one.

Moses looks at him funny. "That, you call taking care of it?" he says.

And the Lord smiles. "Meh," he says with a shrug. "Who can he tell?"

[muji]

... >) I approve.

[kd7sov]

How'zabout if I link you to the most convoluted, complex-set-up pun I know, instead?

(Sadly, it appears those not familiar with Americanisms are unlikely to get it.)

[muji]

Oh man. xD

[pheliskougra]

*reads*

*falls ded*

*not even a groan*

[mmexlibris]

~DIES~

[wakeupnew]

If I weren't at work where YouTube is blocked, I would link a Three Stooges routine. D: I sent you a DE suggestion, though! :D

So, two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Man, it's hot in here!" The other says, "HOLY SHIT. A talking muffin!"

HARHARHARHARHAR.

[muji]

The DE will go up tomorrow! I always love getting suggestions from people.

(You know DE is going on two years in November? Lordy.)

[wakeupnew]

I figured it'd be sometime this week! Man, I can't believe it's already been two years. It feels like it was just yesterday that you started it. I don't remember now how I ever got through workdays without it.

[muji]

\o/ Me neither.

[latino_menace]

I'm crap at jokes but I did see a magic tractor the other day. It drove down the road and turned into a field.

*boom boom*

[pheliskougra]

...

[sardonicynic]

BWHEE.

*approves, hells yes*

[sdelmonte]

My pick for all time favorite joke:



Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window". The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen. "No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

[spooky-lemur.livejournal.com]

I was thinking of posting this very joke!

[remindmeofthe.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love that joke. It's one of my favorites, too.

[dynastessa]

No jokes, alas.

But I've been reading the NaNoWriMo forums and have discovered this year's pep-talkers! Robin McKinley's going to do a pep talk, which I think is pretty awesome!

In addition to that, I am looking through these again because kawaii not makes me happy.

And Monday, with all its' rain and gloom, does not.

[agonistes]

The Energizer bunny got arrested over the weekend. The charge? Battery.

(I'd come up with something better, but my MacBook decided that it magically wanted to move around system files on its own overnight, so I get to reinstall OS X after work. *not overjoyed* And if this is a glitch specific to Snow Leopard, I will not be best pleased. I mean, I'll be pleased as long as the reinstall works, but. Yeah.)

[wakeupnew]

SHRIEK SWEENEY my middle-aged coworker just dropped the bomb that she reads explicit fanfic and recommended that I spend some private time with her favorite True Blood website *CLINGS TO* (*LAUGHING*)

[agonistes]

...how, uh, nice of her to make that recommendation D:

[genarti]

...

COWORKER LADY WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.

[(Anonymous)]

I really don't know, but WHY YOU DO THAT was my basic jaw-dropped response. Um, my internal one, anyway. My external one was lots of uncomfortable laughter, HAHAHAKL;ASD.

[gorgonfondness]

There lived a family of three skunks, Mama Skunk and her two sons, In and Out, in a little town. One day they went to the grocery store and, as little kids like to do, In and Out wandered around while Mama did the shopping. When she checked out Mama Skunk and Out went out, but In stayed in. Mama asked Out to fetch his brother. Out went back in and, no more than five seconds later, came back out with In.

"How did you find In so fast?!" she asks, amazed.

Out replied, "In stinks."

it'd help if I could tell the joke right the first time. >.>

[spandexed-edie.livejournal.com]

So, some men just woke me up and scared the hell out of me by banging on my neighbor's door. I thought it was mine.

They're maintenance guys...but they like, let themselves into her room.

This...I do not approve of.

[vance_prime]

What's the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?

I don't know and I don't care one way or the other.

[shinyhappygoth]

Hah. Hadn't heard that with the third part.

[vance_prime]

Have you heard the one about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic who lay awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog?

[shinyhappygoth]

*g* That I have.

[acts_of_gord]

Militant agnostic: I don't know and you don't either!!

[mercuriazs.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD MY FRIEND TOLD ME THAT JOKE LAST NIGHT.




... I guess that didn't merit allcaps.

[shinyhappygoth]

What did the sign on the empty nuclear reactor say?
Gone Fission

What do you get when you cross a dog with a lion?
A nervous mailman.

What do you get when you cross a mountain climber with a mosquito?
Nothing; you can't cross a scalar with a vector.

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Spaghetti-Head McGee.
Spaghetti-Head McGee who?
You know more than one Spaghetti-Head McGee?!

[misslucyjane]

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor takes the monk's $20 and hands over the dog.

The monk waits. Nothing is forthcoming.

The monk says, "Any change?"

The vendor says, "Change comes from within, my friend."

Ba-dum ching.

[kd7sov]

Ahaha! I'd heard the first part, but the second half really makes it.

[misslucyjane]

I didn't know about the second half for a long time, but yeah, it really makes it :D.