DE: Memos from Bar

[bjornwilde]

So one of my favorite tumblrs is Memos from Fury. The basic premise is internal memos from MCU Nick Fury to the staff of SHIELD and the Avengers and other super heroes of Marvel fame. I would link but it can be as dangerous as TV tropes.

My inaugural daily entertainment is to steal this idea but have the memos coming from Bar herself. They can be addressed to newcomers or bar staff or whomever or whatever.

Here's an example to get you started:
To all newcomers and those who have yet to meet Ben Grimm:
Do not, under any circumstance pull his finger. He consumes a wide and varied diet, often including unusual food combinations as well as spicy foods. If you do pull his finger, you will be responsible for any damages to the bar and other patrons. Security will not apprehend him for lethal force if you pull the finger.

Bar

The memo does not have to be so specific or about one patron. I did in this case because I am apparently ten years old as I write this.

[Also, if you have any ideas for DEs, feel free to leave them here.]

Comments

[muji]

Ooooooooooh, I have to think of one. Shoot. Someone should write one about Sallie. I COULD IF I WERE SMRT.

[bjornwilde]

Dear Bar Staff:
Do not cross Sally. Please. Just do us all a favor and do what she says without complaint. It's just quicker that way.

=D

Concerning Link of Skyloft:

[sky_child]

If you see him sleeping in the bar, he would greatly appreciate you waking him up.

However: do not, under any circumstance--don't even dream of it!--threaten or harm his Zelda. That is tantamount to waking a sleeping dragon.

--Bar

[cantdiequiteyet]

Concerning the Warrior known only as Clare:

Do not threaten her, or act or speak in any way that can be interpreted as a threat.

Even in jest. Even if you think no one is listening. Even if you think that Clare herself is no threat.

We mean this. No one wants to clean up after that.

[sky_child]

There needs to be a directory of Milliways patrons who don't seem threatening at first glance but will turn into veritable death machines under certain conditions (i.e. threatening them or the ones they love).

[respectthegun]

Patrons are reminded that should anyone say the words "I bet you couldn't kill me with that thing," around Floyd Lawton, aka Deadshot, the act will be recorded as 'suicide' by Security.

Concerning the adorable pink puff known as Kirby:

[kaabii]

DON'T STEAL HIS CAKE.

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

OR PLAN IT.

JUST DON'T.

DON'T DO IT.

STOP RIGHT THIS INSTANT!

PUT YOUR HAND DOWN AND BUY YOUR OWN CAKE. HELL, I'LL BUY IT FOR YOU IF YOU WANT CAKE THAT BAD.

- Bar

Re: Concerning the adorable pink puff known as Kirby:

[boston_bruiser]

*looks right*

*looks left*







*STEALS CAKE.*

[a1enzo]

Do not offer the younger Enzo Matrix coffee, energy drinks, or any equivalent. His sister will do unspeakable things to anyone who risks reprising the Java Incident.

[crazyfurries]

Also, anyone attempting this with her daughter and Enzo's niece Mairi, will be recorded by Security as having 'attempted suicide'.

[mogget_cat]

If you happen to see a cat in the bar, immediately move to pet it and give it food. Never fail to do this, as the neglect of the bar's cat population puts all of the bar's patrons in grave peril. Really, it does.

-Totally Not Yrael


>______>

[bjornwilde]

Addendum: Any offers of fish are greatly appreciated and expected.

[justdyedit]

Patrons are advised to not shout, "Hail HYDRA!" anywhere near Spider-Woman or Jessica Drew. It's all fun and games until you wake up in the Infirmary.

[biggerstingers]

But please, if you are a member of HYDRA, don't let that stop you. We're all about freedom of expression here.

And having time to line up shots.
-JVD

[thekidfrombrooklyn]

Please think twice before insulting, annoying, or otherwise provoking Steve Rogers. He may seem like a friendly doofus who's built like a brick shithouse, but he's also Captain Freaking America.

If you don't know what that means, ask around. The bar is full of people happy to tell you.

[ceitfianna]

To all patrons who are also members of law enforcement:

You have no jurisdiction here unless you're a member of Security. Just because you think its wrong doesn't mean its wrong elsewhere. Play nice.

-Milliways Security

[yakalskovich]

That's a really good one! And seriously useful.

[boston_bruiser]

For Voodoo:

Patrons are advised not to ask Voodoo if they can park the car in Harvard Yard. Those who do will find that they can't, but that his size twelve boot can fit up their asshole(s). Surgical removal of said boot will not be charged to his tab.

Imitation of a Boston accent or quacking at him is similarly ill-advised.

For John:

Patrons are advised that the policy of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all" very much applies to discussion of John's wife and son.

[mnt_raph]

I'm goin' to Wistah to buy a toastah, yah bastahd.

Or my other favorite:

I'm goin' tuh tha pahk with Mahky Mahk an' uh bahttle uh Cutty Sahk.

[ceitfianna]

Concerning Will Scarlett:

If you have a difficulty understanding him, ask him to repeat himself, he will. He's aware that his accent presents difficulties.

Concerning Charles Xavier:

He might ask unexpected questions especially if you have any abilities that might resemble mutations. He'll go away if you tell him to.

Also to any X-Men, remember there are multiple timelines and while he's younger, he's still Charles Xavier, be thoughtful.

Concerning Jane Austen:

If you find yourself at the mercy of her tongue, consider what you did and then apologize. Take the time to enjoy being insulted with great wit.

Concerning Sameth of the Old Kingdom:

The gold magic around him is safe but be careful approaching him when he's working. Apologies in advance to any dead patrons, he's working on being nicer.

Concerning Tumnus:

Yes, it really is him, don't make him more shy and drink your tea.

Concerning the Pirate King:

No, he doesn't hear the music. He will only look confused at you if you mention it.

[the_man]

STRATEGIC HOMELAND INTERVENTION, ENFORCEMENT AND LOGISTICS DIVISION
WASHINGTON DC
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR

August 10, 2012

To Whom It May Concern:

All personnel who step through a doorway and discover that it does not lead to where they expected to be, are to turn around and shut the door at once, and report to HR immediately. Any agents found taking advantage of time dilation fields to extend their coffee breaks will be declared AWOL.

NICK FURY
DIRECTOR (S.H.I.E.L.D.)

[justdyedit]

I was wondering how you'd handle this DE. ; p

[chanter1944]

For Sariel:

Bar patrons planning experimentation on living things, not limited to though especially sentients, are advised not to discuss their plans in front of Sariel Rager. Just because she isn't the sort to resort to physical violence doesn't mean she won't verbally call you on something, and trust me, she knows what she's talking about on this one. Probably better than you do.

Also, experimentation? Eww, pal. Just eww.

Bar

P.S. to pilot people: The flight simulator takes a key. Sariel has one. Not that she's the only, but it's a good icebreaker.

[mnt_mike]

Mike does not make plain brownies. If you see a pan of brownies that looks as though it is nothing but brownies, do not eat them.

- Bar

[dragons_emrys]

Merlin does not know any card tricks and is not available for children's parties.

[abitofawildman]

A word of warning with regards to Commander Bumi.

Attempts to inform him of how amazing it is to be Avatar Aang's son will be greeted with face punching.

Condolences for him being the sole non-bender of his family will also be greeted with face punching.

Any and all attempts to accost, injure, or otherwise annoy Tenzin and his children will be greeted with not only face punching but possible swordbending as well.

-Bar

[muji]

SWORDBENDING

[presspasskey]

Failing to have them be from the Bar:

Dear Bar Patrons. If you see this person *see photo attached of Lois*, please be aware she is under the legal drinking age in her country. DO NOT LET HER NEAR ALCOHOL. Thanks, Clark Kent.
(courtesy of Kati)

Dear Bar Patrons: If you meet Lois Lane *photo attached*, get it through your head that Ishe is not a journalist. Ever. Serve her anything she likes, her ID is legal. That and anything else Clark Kent *photo attached* says about mher is wrong. Also all your fries, bear claws, and coffee are fair game. - Anonymous
PS: If you're a superhero: tights? Really?

[hecu_marine]

To Milliways Patrons of a Sensitive Disposition:

Sergeant-Major Adrian Shephard is not in ANY WAY compliant with ANY FCC regulations regarding the use of profanity, obscenity, or indecent language and makes no attempt at compliance with same. You have been warned.

[student_of_impossibility]

Concerning the man calling himself Rufus Scipio:

Those with technological and/or magical expertise, do not under any circumstance share information on those with him.

Anyone at all who sees him working, make him stop and relax.

Bar

[slayer_fray]

The following things are officially considered by Security to be methods of suicide:

- Irritating anyone wearing all black or all white.
- Mentioning the dwarfs.
- Making fun of anyone's outfit if said outfit is spandex.
- Threatening a child.
- Questioning the competence of anyone carrying a weapon.
- Giving sugar to the miniphant

[a1enzo]

There we go. ^_^

[aaaaaaaagh_sky]

Management Is Not Responsible For Any Problems That May Arise From Going Through A Door You Did Not Open YOurself

Seriously

This Is A Thing That Happens

[bjornwilde]

This is another good one!

[1nv1nc1ble]

To All Patrons:

Please take any attempts to disprove Invincible's name outside. The Oompah Loompahs have enough to clean up as it is.

Bar

[death_gone_mad]

To all patrons:

Do not leave memos laying about where "Sarah Black" can read them.

Bar

[basic_powers]

To all patrons

Harass or pick on the blonde ten-year old in the teal coat at your own risk. Any resulting cleanups in regards to you or your rooms shall not be billed to him.

PS: He is however, easily bribed with cheesy movies and ovaltine.