Weekend Entertainment: Test Drive Meme!

[havetubawilltravel]

It's an app_this_plz weekend, so it's time to break down the walls and let in the new, the departed, and the already here with a Test Drive Meme!

H O W T O P L A Y:

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Comments

[actualdetective]

"You make it sound like I've died."

Carlton takes a long draw on the coffee -- it's good, he'll admit that it's a damn fine cup -- but he looks up in alarm.

"Oh God, I'm dead! I'm dead and this is... I'm in hell. How did it come to this?"

[craftylildoodlepumpkin]

Ohboy, Carlton never panics, and she doesn't want him to freak out now. She deliberately pinches the back of his hand. "Do you FEEL dead..." Squinting. "...You think I'm going to HELL?" YOU ARE UNDERMINING THIS PARTNERSHIP BOND CARLTON.

[actualdetective]

"Just because I'm in hell doesn't mean you're here too. You could just be a demon masquerading as Juliet, designed to aid in my eternal torture and damnation."

Who knew he was such a spiritual literalist?

[craftylildoodlepumpkin]

"...By giving you good coffee?" She shakes her head. "I'm not a demon, Carlton."

[actualdetective]

Okay, maybe she has a point there, though demons are full of trickery. Or something.

"Distraction..." he mumbles into his cup. Yes, it's really quite good.

"If it's not hell, what is it? Tell me again. Slowly. One more time, just so I'm clear?"

[craftylildoodlepumpkin]

"For what?" she asks. "Violence isn't allowed here, I told you." She rubs her temple. "It's a magic bar, somewhere at the end of the universe. No one knows why it's here or how people manage to find it - sometimes it just happens by accident - but there's usually a single door you have to get through to come in. There's one at the Psych offices, and one near the evidence locker at the station." She counts off the rules. "Your first drink's free but you have to pay for everything after that. No violence, no outside business, and no sex downstairs. If you ever get stuck here, you can get a room upstairs. She'll let you tend during her nap to pay off your tab."

[actualdetective]

All those words make sense. Even in sequence and context. But they're still more than a little bit unbelievable.

"Wait, she? She'll let me tend? Who's she?"

[craftylildoodlepumpkin]

"The bar," she says, pointing to the magical slab of wood. "She's a she. Even has a baby." She points toward Magellan. "Yes, it's a globe. Don't ask."

[actualdetective]

"So the bar is sentient, had a globe baby, and will let me tend to pay off my tab. Does she take American currency? How about my American Express?"

This is all very complicated.

[craftylildoodlepumpkin]

She nods. "She'll take whatever the local currency is and put it toward your tab. I know a girl who pays in bottlecaps."

Some part of her can't believe this conversation.

[actualdetective]

"Bottlecaps. Well, yes, of course, why not? Why not?"

He puts his head down on the table. "I think I need some quiet time."

[craftylildoodlepumpkin]

She knows that look. "Don't fall asleep," she says. "The Loompas will try to polish you."

[actualdetective]

"You're just messing with me now. Loompas. That's from that movie." Carlton's voice is muffled against the tabletop. "I'm not Mike Teevee."

[craftylildoodlepumpkin]

"They're real here - just don't tell them that." She sighs and leans back in her chair. "You do look like him, though, around the ears."

[actualdetective]

Carlton knows this, a little too well. Neighborhood kids plagued him, calling him Mike Teevee for years. Just because he wore guns and had sticky-outty ears. He didn't want to be a fake television cowboy, he wanted to be a lawman. He is a lawman.

He sighs. Loompas are real. He's at the of the universe with sentient female furniture and rats serving drinks. And he's not dead or in hell.

This is somehow his reality. It makes absolutely no sense.

He sighs again.

[craftylildoodlepumpkin]

Well, this is awkward.

Carlton's never been good at accepting comfort from anyone, and she knows how he'd react to a hug...

Backpats then, partner? "It's not bad here. As long as you stay out of the woods."

[actualdetective]

Lifting his head an inch off of the table, he gives a pained look. "Why, what's in the woods? Bigfoot? Dragons? Rodents of Unusual Size?" Yes, he's seen The Princess Bride. It was Victoria's favorite movie. "My former in laws?"

[craftylildoodlepumpkin]

"...Demon rabbits that breathe fire." She's telling the truth, that's the scary part.