Daily Entertainment: Test Your Might

[themightyspazz]

What did the stamp collector say to the gynecologist?




I dunno. It'd make for a pretty good joke, though, wouldn't it?

From knightoftheswan:

It's Mortal Calibur Tekken Guilty Skull Assault Brothers 2 time, everybody. Choose your mode!

Story Mode: Tag in with your pup and take on all comers in a no-limits fight.

Free For All: If all of your pups were in a fighting game style brawl, what's everyone's special attacks and who would win?

Comments

What the hell. BOTH.

[themightyspazz]

Voodoo (boston_bruiser)
Mako (fantasticfireferret)
John Marston (bornuntotrouble)

In regards to special attacks...

John's would be some good old-fashioned fisticuffs. Voodoo's would be some kind of insanely painful Krav Maga leg-breaker (he'd save the tomahawk for his Fatality). Mako's would be the Breath of Fire.

Re: What the hell. BOTH.

[againsttherules]

Jack drops into a fighting stance, ready to show the SEAL how they roll in the SASR.

[spit_it_out]

Fighting game style brawl?

HULK SMASH.

[mjolnir_retriever]

Both

[battle_butler]

In a Free for all?

Well, Max (max_epper) and Erik (ask_the_right_questions) would have no chance, they're thinkers, not fighters.

Bean (aintwortha), it depends on age. in his teens, he'd probably be able to hand anyone their ass, particularly later on. His special attack would probably change with time. Young(ish)!bean, he'd use his brain to get inside your guard and take you out. Older!Bean, would be able to just use his size and strength to his advantage. Not because he can't use his brains, but it's simply more advantageous for him to engage at range.

Alfred (battle_butler) has his Golf Club Special. Also, some kind of trait that makes people underestimate him.

Jack (againsttherules), well, at the moment, he doesn't really have a 'special attack'. Oh, sorry, Horus is squawking. So, um, Peregrine Falcon diving to attack you as well?
He'll get another later on in canon.

Having removed Erik and Max from the fight, and Bean is out due to him being a kid atm, Jack would beat Alfred in a straight fight. In a less straight fight, where Jack's just taken Erik and Max out? He'd probably still beat Alfred, but it'd be a lot closer.

As for story mode?
You can take on Alfred or Jack. the others are sitting this out, thanks.

Re: Both

[camwyn]

See, the Golf Club Special has me wincing, because there are golf clubs available as weapons in Fallout New Vegas. One of them, Driver Nephi's Driver (yeah, there's an enemy named after a Mormon prophet- the short version is he used to be a New Canaanite and wound up just plain going bad and didn't bother to change his name), has been modified so that it's an extremely potent melee weapon. At one point I had a companion character pick up Driver Nephi's Driver and attack a flamethrower-wielding supermutant with it. He managed to beat the mutant to death with that golf club despite being on fire the whole time.

So, um.

Yeah.

[gavin62truck]

Special attacks?

Tommy: Punch to the throat. Or the balls.

Lou: Flaming cupcakes of death.

[camwyn]

The only one of my pups I'd trust to survive any great length of time in a bare hands fight would be Shephard, followed at a great distance by Ellen. Not that Shephard's a particularly good unarmed fighter, but he's competent at self defense with or without weapons, and the prosthetic hand is heavier and faster than a similarly sized hand made of flesh and bone- plus part of its mojo is that if he takes hold of something with it, the hand won't let go of whatever it is until he wills it to, regardless of what he's grabbed onto. Mind, the arm it's attached to can still break, but you get the idea- Shephard in a barehands fight is going to be a largely unspectacular fighter right up until the moment he clamps the silver hand over your throat or balls or face and starts to squeeze. Then you have problems. ETA: now that I think about it, given enough time and practice he could probably get to the point of being able to do the Mola Ram thing from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom...

Ellen only manages because she's had extended close quarters combat training from Voodoo, Bryan Mills, and Master Chief Petty Officer John-117. She might be Asian by ancestry but when it comes to fights she's really much, much happier if she can end them with energy weapons, twelve gauge shotguns, or a flaming sword of fire. She does not know any martial arts beyond Oh God What The Hell Does The UNSC Teach Its Spartans Anyway and I prefer it like that.

Third place in a fighting game style brawl goes to Mordin, because Mordin is a former member of the salarian Special Tasks Group and therefore has a cheat code. Get him into a fighting game style brawl and he ends it by calling in a tactical orbital strike.

[innerbrat]

EVERYONE IS DEAD and Teresa is still smiling.

No one really gets a chance to use their special attacks. This wouldn't be a long battle.

[rowanberries]

Jack Harkness would like to dispute that!

[stuck_mynock]

It'd be a pretty short fight, tbh, especially if they're unarmed - Leo, Teddy and Seamus are fairly lost without their respective magical equipment, and Leonardo is like the platonic ideal of 'thinker, not a fighter'.

As for Atton - his special attack would probably involve using the Force to go really, really fast and doing a Fist of the North Star impression. His fatality would be just blasting them with lightning bolts. A lot. It would not be a pretty affair.

[balancingminds]

*eyes my pups* Most of them don't have a lot of special attacks, but they won't go down easily. I seem to have this divide of the ones who fight, fight well and stubbornly and those who don't.

Will is a good hand-to-hand fighter, great swordsman and at fighting with a staff. Also he has a small berskerer mode, not full out, but due to his temper, its there.

Then would be a tie between William and Sameth, William's a better brawler, but Sameth's been trained to fight and has a touch of berserker. Sameth though brings the Charter magic special attacks.

Charles could be effective and that's because he cheats, his special attack is about getting into your head. He does have some training in fighting, but he doesn't seek out fights if he can help it. If he has to fight, then his opponent will find themselves asleep and wondering what happened.

Demeter almost doesn't feel fair to bring into this as she's a goddess and has many special attacks. The plants could rise against her opponent, transformation spells, storms, lots of bad things.

The Pirate King's special attack is singing with a sword.

Jane would hit someone with a cricket bat or try to hit them, but wouldn't be that effective. Moist is already on the road out of town or disappearing into the crowd if a fight is involved. Tumnus would do his best to fight but again not a fighter.

Edit as I forgot to actually answer the question. I think Will or Sameth would win in a fight, but Charles or Demeter would stop the fighting game before it starts.

[thenextround]

Uh. Gwaine once politely asked a man to hold his tankard before smashing him in the face with his fist? I suppose that can count as a special attack. He's a trained and skilled fighter, as well as a bit of rogue, so he tends to use his surroundings and think well on his feet in a fight. When not under the influence, anyway.

As for who wins, that's always up in the air. He's kicked some butt, but he's also gotten his butt kicked before. I mean, he got taken out by a knife once. To the leg. This could just be Merlin's writers being Merlin's writers, but - yeah. He also once lost to a beehive.

[basic_powers]

...well yeah, bees get angry if you mess with their beehive. There's a reason they can be considered an extremely effective Siege Weapon.

[alsoagreengrass]

Without a wand, I think Scorpius is resourceful enough to think of some way as to defend himself, if he happened to be attacked. Mostly this might involving throwing things at his attacker and a not-so-terribly aimed punch or two.

With a wand, he's got an arsenal of spells. He can also get rather creative with the spells. I don't know about any special attack, but he did once create a wall of fire to separate Albus and him in a duel. He lost that one.

[ceitfianna]

If Scorpius ever wanted to learn fighting not involving wands, William would teach him. *eyes that sentence*

That looks a little wrong, but its not meant to be.

[death_gone_mad]

Urgh, dammit, I keep on thinking this over and every time I try to think of a way to make Amascut fit into a fighting game I either wind up with someone that is way overpowered or someone that is essentially not her. So. yeah, she gets relegated to story mode as a secret end boss that congratulates you for being such an efficient fighter and then switches the game into a modified bullet hell mode. With added OMG I CAN'T TELL WHICH GROUP OF PIXELS IS ME. So, specials, bulletFireball Hell, disguising as other characters, rapid healing, and punching and kicking you all over the screen.

Evil Chicken is way easier. He always starts of with more hitpoints and defense than you, but he just stands his ground and fires wind spells at you. He doesn't even block. He's a terrible fighter.

[ever_lovin]

I can see Amascut as a special attack/spell in a Final Fantasy type game.

[ever_lovin]

I honestly am not sure who would win if my pups all fought each other but their special attacks are as follows:
Ben makes a haymaker to the ground, causing a mini earthquake that stuns and knocks opponents to their feet.

Hank does a weird foot grab and somersault that flips the opponent onto their back.

Palamedes manifests a claymore or other large weapon from his aura and does a multi-attack.

Val time dances and strikes a multipule of times as she teleports and timetravels in the same instant.

Thalia summons lightening.

Jessica has a phermone attack that takes control of another player's character and uses it to attack.

Andrea turns into a werehyena that doubts her reach, strength and attack damage.

[battle_butler]

Doubting one's reach, strength or attack damage doesn't seem like it would be very effective is such a game...

[ooc: So says the man who persuades people to underestimate him to gain an advantage...]

[knightoftheswan]

Good luck against this guy. He's got a sword that can fell any foe.

Just check the opera.

[pullsneedles]

See keywords.

STORY MODE!

[basic_powers]

He's small, he's baseline human and he's faced more weird than your average Ghostbuster! Just don't get between him and the mad dog smoothies or you'll face the wrath of his entire utility belt!

Tyler is ready to take you on and prove that he is NOT powerless!

[pullsneedles]

Nothin' like a fight between friends to get warmed up, right?

A Mr. Saturn table gallops in with Lucas standing on top, trusty stick in hand.

[gorgonfondness]

Mia might be a bit out of practice, what with teaching and being a mom and everything. She'd benefit from a good fight about now.

Excessively flammable foes need not apply.

[againsttherules]

Does 'standard human' count as 'excessively flammable'? Actually, who am I kidding, Jack'd never attack a mom. Well, unless they threatened him/his (future, canon, adopted) kid.

[hadyougoing]

Shriek.

[ambriel]

NO DEMON SUMMONING.

[biggerstingers]

I'll be honest, I tried to come up with something to fit the theme, but nothing was working. So the brain decided to produce this:
Avenging Eastern Mysteries: The Licensed Avengers Bullet Hell Game

The story line opens with the the Touhou characters responding to an attack by Marvel villains. Probably AIM. You fight through that for a while in fairly standard style.

Then you switch to the Avengers as they track down a strange energy reading and attack the AIM base and fight through them.

Third stage is a semi-random hero on hero series of duels resolved when Steve uses his special power ("Assemble!") to call all the Avengers on screen in a rolling tide of destruction.

Of course not everyone is happy with how they are presented in the game ("I'm throwing books Jan. Why am I throwing books?" - Hank Pym; "The repulser beams don't work like that. It's clearer a sonic canon." - Tony Stark) but the part where the profits are donated to charity has pretty much shut up the naysayers.

I'm sorry.

[bcgphoenix]

...great, now I'm going to have the Mortal Kombat theme in my head for the rest of the day. *snickering*

The Trickster's more a "weasel out of trouble" type than a "fight" type, but when he does have to fight, all those supernatural powers really come in handy! Though odds are good he'd go for a Babality instead of a Fatality move or something.

Bolin's the only one of mine who's both trained as a fighter and would be willing to fight if the circumstances required it. Dude doesn't go around attacking people for fun, but he can hold his own if somebody goes for him (or the people he cares about) first. Special attack: Rocks Fall, Everyone Dies.

Olivia's special attack would be Shoot You In The Chest And Be Done With It, I've Got Other Shit To Do. (Though, like Bolin, she doesn't pick fights for no reason. She's a protector by nature, not a warrior.)

Gaeta does not get to fight. Gaeta gets a quiet retirement and a puppy, godsdammit.

[not_my_sandbox]

Babality is so much better than I was expecting it to be. I thought it was going to be a bimbofication thing but yay, it wasn't.

Though, in true Mortal Kombat spirit, gratuitous amounts of bodily fluids are involved. XD

[minkhollow]

Hand-to-hand combat isn't Cata's specialty, but if there's a ranged component or poisoning involved? You'd best run.

Sam can hold his own in a hands-on fight, and if he has something to throw, he's going to hit something, and that something's going to be his target unless you throw off his aim.

Claudia would Tesla absolutely everyone and run while they're still unconscious.

Apollo's a god. He can cheat and call it done. But if he's not cheating? Archery. It's one of his domains for a reason.

Imp, I think, is the only one of mine who would be genuinely useless in a fight.

Regulus would rather talk his way out of it, but if he's pushed to fight, he's very good at charms. This somewhat extends to Defense spells (he figured early on it'd be a good idea to be able to counter things Bella likes to toss around).

Red's a very good tracker and decent with a bow and arrow. Aaaand if it's a full moon and she's sure she can do it without hurting her friends? Then anyone she's going after is pretty well screwed. Basically you'd have to have a silver weapon to even slow her down, and canon hasn't given the impression that werewolves are so widely known as to arm everyone accordingly.

(Ruby, pre-curse-breaking... finds the carnage after everyone's killed each other and screams. XD)

[sunbaked_baker]

Sunshine fights with her magic and with her knife, her key strategy being don't get hit. Her special move/limit break/fatality would involve her catching on fire and tearing her opponent's heart out. Her taunt would involve a sweetly-worded offer of cinnamon rolls.

Yrael fights unarmed, as weapons are unnecessary. Special moves incorporate lots of taunts and debilitating but non-lethal strikes to knees and elbows, broken fingers, joint dislocation, etc. His finishing move is to suddenly tackle pounce his opponent to the ground and crunch their skull between his jaws.

Zelgadiss fights with magic and his sword. Signature moves include the Stone Spiker (15-foot spears of rock jut up from the ground suddenly, injuring and/or impaling unlucky foes), Astral Vine (that raising his sword's power greatly for a limited time). His finishing move, though only effective against monsters or spiritual beings, is the mighty Ra Tilt - it doesn't do physical damage, but is a devastating blow to the spirit/astral body/will/etc. of the opponent.

[bbq_platypus]

First things first, neither Borgel nor Atrus are fighters. They'll be sitting this one out.

In a fighting game, Jim would have to restrict his guns for finishing moves only for balance purposes. He would have his share of barroom brawl moves, though - he throws a pretty mean haymaker. He'd probably be the guy that your 12 year-old cousin always plays as, 'cos he's the guy with the guns, y'know.

Leela would be a fairly well-balanced character, though tending more toward agility than strength. Well worth having as "the quick one" on a MvC-style three-person team. She'd use her knife on combos and her janis thorn as a finishing move.

Kane is familiar enough with the martial arts, but his real special ability would be his ability to get up again after mortal blows. While his opponent's back is conveniently turned, of course.

Tuco is a roughnecked, underhanded brawler type who isn't too proud to make use of underhanded techniques. Mash Down + Forward + Heavy Punch to gouge your opponent's eyes. Or you could just shoot 'em right at the beginning and dispense with formalities.

[katyafeline]

*sighs* Okay, attempt #2, computer isn't loving me today.

Katya, this girl here, is probably my most dangerous. She's quick, she's light, she has a penchant for all things sharp and shiny, she finds guns hilarious, she can use her universe's version of magic to grab the upper hand, and she can at will turn into a massive Siberian Tiger. >.>

She also has a temper problem, and if pissed off has been known to charge in without any thought to tactics or survivability. And gets smushed.

Glorfindel is fairly fearsome himself, known for disregarding personal safety for a tactical advantage. He also just. Won't. Stop. Ever. *eyes him* And if you kill him, he'll be back, even in a non-zombified manner.

Ace is, admittedly, fairly crap at hand-to-hand. She really is. She panics, she flails, she is bad. She'll also blow up anything that comes against her given just a little lead time. There's a support group for baddies that have been blown up by Ace. The support group is, tragically, currently on fire.

Haymitch while, admittedly, not in fighting trim and with a sad liver, but he is a sneaky SOB. He'll happily smile to your face then utterly eviscerate you once you've stopped paying attention. Capitol mutt, even if he doesn't want to admit it.

Shaz... is good with a gun? And, ironically, a screwdriver. But after that... where's the well-armed bastards to back her up?

Bones is fast with a loaded hypospray. But, um. Oh Bones.

Balthazar comes from the time of knights, and has managed to survive without being obvious about his magic for thousands of years. He is, quite frankly, the scariest though least likely to get into a fight in the bar. Or if he does, he'll just turn you into a pig.

Possibly one that looooooooooooooves physics.

Oswin... um. No. Not good. Unless we're post current canon, in which case she's scarier than hell, but probably will be too busy screaming about her fate. Yes. >.>

[mnt_mike]

Bumi doesn't fight in the actualfax game. He's a special attack character for Tenzin or the Airbabies.
...
Maybe Lin.

The only warning is his howl before he rains the entire Second Fleet on you from above.

Splinter's special attack is the Wuhan Thumb of Death, which he learned from a kind gentleman in a Lucha Libre mask one day in the Battle Nexus. But really...it's his kids you have to look out for, because it's not like the Old Rat fights his own battles. Bah, that's what children are for.

I think Raph's special move is pinning his opponent to the floor with his sai, and then just pummeling the crap out of them. Maybe there's a barstool involved.

...

No, scratch that. Abigail is his special move. She comes in and hits people with chairs.

I kind of want Mike's signature move to be taping someone to the top of the screen and laughing at them good naturedly.

The Loompas either harvest your organs for sale on eBay or they encase you in a giant bar of chocolate...as is their want.

Ida has long and short range nuclear missile capabilities. I don't think she really needs more than that.

Which brings us to Aang.
Child Aang will Glow It Up and just attack with the fury of nature herself.
While Adult Aang would just subdue you, and probably let you go on your own reconnaissance.

Maybe he could summon Appa.

[1nv1nc1ble]

Mark specialize more in being well... invincible. But he also punches people. Hard. Sometimes, when he punches them hard enough, they have a tendency to develop holes in them. (This is not an exaggeration. Fights in later issues of Invincible get bloody.)