ways_back_room | de: but what is love

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de: but what is love

Happy Friday, Milliways!

So I find the topic of "love languages" to be fascinating – basically, how someone primarily expresses and feels loved (these aren't necessarily the same). This is not just, like "omg I am in ~~~luuurve," though that is fascinating too! It includes with family members and friends.

• Gift Giving (Not materialism, more "someone thought about me, and this is the evidence of it.")
• Acts of Service ("You realized I needed help! You really do care!")
• Quality Time ("!! You like spending time with me?? And listening?")
• Touch ("You feel comfortable with me/accept me :D")
• Words of Affirmation ("Oh! You – think well enough about me enough to actually say it? … Oh. :)".)

For example, I primarily express love (irl) through gift-giving – baking, finding cool stuff to take you to on your birthday, etc.

I primarily receive love best through quality time. So, like, I enjoy gifts? But a person intentionally deciding to spend time with me makes me feel the most loved.

What are your characters expressive love languages? What are their receptive love languages?

If you want – what are yours?

note you are all so fascinating! THANK YOU. I might show up and make comments like into tomorrow, because I'm having so many thoughts about your characters and no time to write them.

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Melinda May
Melinda primarily shows love through acts of service. She's not good at communicating her feelings, and not terribly fond of appearing vulnerable (especially as it's pretty easy for her to get hurt by people she loves, and she is pretty bad at keeping herself from loving people), and she's good at noticing when people need things.

Melinda feels most loved through word of (unsolicited) affirmation. People often don't notice how much effort she puts into things, and how much care she takes. She's taken for granted. And while she almost prefers it that way, the occasional word of encouragement or acknowledgement that she's not an emotionless robot is appreciated. As long as you're not too soppy about it.

Quatre Winner
Quatre has only one primary love language: quality time. If he loves you, he just wants to coexist at you ALWAYS. With some of his friends this is a little less true because he's also super busy and some people insist on talking to you ( ): ) but he still wishes in his heart they could be next to him all the time. Allll the time.

Clint Barton
Clint is interesting, because he does a lot of the things on this list without meaning them out of love. He's just a helpful guy, you know? His primary active love language is touch – he doesn't touch people lightly (except in specific "DO NOT FALL OVER" instances), whether by a slight elbowing or with hand holding (not necessarily romantic for Clint; he tends to offer his hand to people who are stressing.), or – as you can see in threads with Natasha – small caring-type gestures like pushing her hair back or kissing her temple. He also puts a lot of weight on the rest of the things associated with touch, but I have no interest into going into that.

Clint mostly receives love through intentional quality time. He's not used to people being there, day after month after year (after decade). Some of his friendships that he holds very close have formed just through those people continuing to be around. Clint views himself as someone who screws up friendships and relationships (in his defense, he was pretty sucky at it when younger), so staying speaks louder than anything in his personal vocabulary.

So I listed some of the above but I can see someone reading that and going "I THOUGHT CUDDLING WAS YOUR MAIN LOVE LANGUAGE?" as if I love you/feel comfortable around you, there is a good chance I will curl up with you on a couch just because people.

so basically touch is one of my major receptive love languages. I didn't list it, here, because my relationship with touch is super confusing as an example to clarify things, but flopping all over someone is not so much a sign I love them as a sign I am comfortable accepting the idea that they love me. AND WOUD LIKE MORE TOUCH PLS.

I really don't like people touching me, though, especially if I can't figure out they're about to. Some people I can relax into it after a moment, but yeah.

Oooh, interesting.

Um, lets see:

Gene: affectionate swearing at you, rather than the enraged kind. But also acts of service, probably - he's not one for gifts, or saying nice things. Although having said that, that would mostly be shown as having his team's back in a gunfight, rather than getting his arse up off the settee at home. He's tactile, though. So actually: yeah, that more than anything. He punches with affection!

Receiving love - touch again, for sure. If people say nice things, he doesn't tend to believe them, even if he wants to.

Javert: I have absolutely no idea. Considering how he likes to get up in people's grills in canon, I imagine it would be touch as well. And acts of service, as long as they hardly ever mention that he'd done the thing for them.

Receiving love - um. Ahaha. Not being told it, that's for sure. Quality time, maybe. Discovering that someone voluntarily wants to spend time with him would probably be quite a revelation. And touch. Touch is hard to disprove, no?

Valjean - acts of service, without question. And gift giving. He hardly says a thing, and will sometimes disappear to do mysterious stuff that he also won't talk about. He's not very tactile, due to the whole 'no one's ever touched him except to hit him' thing of his first forty years (thanks Hugo). But he will go and save your life, and then disappear without taking any credit, no question. Hell, he'll do that even if he doesn't like you (hi, Marius).

Receiving love - nothing makes him happier than spending time with Cosette. Nothing in the world. And eventually, when he realises he is allowed to love people in a different way, being touched will be a big thing for him.

Elle mostly grew up in an environment where displays of affection of any sort were limited. Her father pretty much relied on gift-giving to show affection toward her, and she generally tried to return it through "acts of service," or being good at her job. Which produced mixed results.

Now, Elle is most able to show affection through gifts/acts of service, and in narrower circumstances, touch. Touch is weird for her, because she is very openly... tactile, but this is very often not to show actual affection. When it is for that purpose, unless she's with X, she can be super awkward about it – like just sort of reaching out and patting the other person, like she's mimicking some strange custom she's not familiar with.

On the other hand, she loves to receive affection through touch, as well as quality time. The idea that someone would take time they could spend doing literally anything else, and spend it with her instead, is still sort of mindblowing to her. Seriously, who would do that? That being said, it comes with a heavy caveat that she actually believes this is an act of affection, rather than as some means of underhandedly collecting information on her/undermining her/etc., which... she is for-good-reason paranoid, so.

Asami has the resources to give a lot of gifts, and so does that pretty frequently. She tries not to do it to the point that it might be uncomfortable for someone else, though she could definitely hit a false note on that from time to time. She's also by far my best at using words of affirmation – when she wants to be, Asami is very good at finding the words to be kind, and comforting, and encouraging. She has a near-alluring form of charisma that she does use for that kind of purpose.

In receiving, she likes quality time and touch – she's very comfortable with being touched, and really enjoys being around others, to the point that she actively doesn't like loneliness and will seek out company if she's alone for very long. She doesn't generally need gifts or acts of service in the same way, and is so self-confident that she also doesn't really crave affirmation, except from a few sources. But she's comfortable with, and actively desires, sharing space with others.

Katara most particularly expresses affection through acts of service. Helping her village survive while growing up, maintaining the supplies and shelter while traveling with the Avatar – to her these are paramount forms of showing how much she cares about others. (Hence how she hated Toph's "carry my own weight" attitude – she viewed this as self-centered, because Toph was both denying her affection and refusing to show any in return.) After that, she's also very good with affirmations – she doesn't have the same charisma Asami does, but she can also be inspiring with her words and, especially on an individual level, often knows the right thing to say to help someone or show how she cares for them. She also uses touch to some degree with this.

As for receiving, Katara would like to think she's more practical than that, but she ultimately really likes receiving gifts. She also appreciates acts of service, though more in the form of others volunteering to help and doing as she directs them – she can be kind of controlling in how she wants that help to happen. Because a lot of the work she does is the kind that can go unnoticed until it doesn't happen, she also appreciates affirmation and acknowledgements of her work.

Will grew up in a home where very little affection was directly expressed, because directly-expressed emotion, even positive emotion, was difficult for both people in his household to handle. This sort of gets into my headcanon about his father and how their relationship worked, which includes that his father was a lot like him, but had a much stronger and more intrusive visual memory, which made it very difficult for him to communicate and led him to be easily overwhelmed. Which meant he was good at his jobs, but terrible at building relationships, and this and his alcohol-dependence as a way to deal with this are why they moved a lot while Will was growing up. It also meant, for their own comfort on both sides, that Will and his father mostly spoke at rather than to each other. So he grew up with nearly nothing in the form of "quality time" or "words of affirmation."

But, they did have ways to express affection indirectly, which mostly took the form of gifts or acts of service. "Acts of service" a lot meaning pretty basic things to keep their household afloat. Will bought groceries, prepared meals, and did chores a lot, and sometimes put some effort into doing them in such a way that they'd get his father's attention, but just to the point of 'this is something I did for you.' His father's ways of returning affection were "gifts" through imparting certain kinds of knowledge (I guess this could be called "quality time," but I don't think of it that way because it's so hugely asymmetrical – Will's father taught him how to fish and certain types of mechanical maintenance, but they never, for instance, talked about themselves or each other, nor did Will teach him in return), and very limited forms of touch, like tousling his hair or touching his shoulder.

And that's about... still how Will operates. Even with people he would want to show affection for, his ability to physically be around them, or express affection through words, is limited. Which can be really off-putting, I think, because it makes him come across as really self-centered or arrogant at points, but the truth is he just finds being around others so overwhelming that there's only so much he can handle. He generally views himself as expressing affection through acts of service/gifts, much as he did while growing up – something that makes him immediately of use in a recognizable way, and maybe sort of after his father, imparting knowledge as a form of gift-giving.

In terms of receiving – he can also handle touch, though he generally prefers to be the one to initiate it, or at least have something along those lines kind of offered rather than acted on immediately, as that gives him a better sense of control on what's, erm, accessing him. He also... well, liked words of affirmation sometimes, but I feel like that might be kind of fucked up for him now. And he can accept gifts – someone who is not his stepson must be sending him that ship-on-the-bottle aftershave, anyway, and he viewed sharing fundamental things like food as a pretty standard means of communicating friendship/affection/companionship. Which is also now pretty ruined, because his canon just ruins everything.

ETAing for myself: I do a LOT of gifts (especially food) and I try to do acts of service and quality time. I can also do touch, though I think I tend to be more concerned with whether that's wanted and what message is being sent, and so tend to follow others' leads on it. I'm terrible at affirmations, mostly because I feel like I'm repeating myself, which actually should be perfectly okay and yet I worry that I'll sound insincere.

For receiving, I like touch – more so than I may let on, as in a few instances I've needed it but been nervous about asking for it. And I like quality time, even/especially when quality time means literally just being in the same physical presence but not really doing anything in particular.

Edited 2014-05-09 16:54 (UTC)

Raven shows love through acts of service, usually well-disguised acts of service, but still. Quality time is his favorite way to receive affection, because for a thing what's lived for a long time -- it gets lonely.

Wonder Woman is another acts of service one, though also for her -- given her busy schedule -- taking time out to just spend quiet time with people is another biggie. I think reciprocal quality time really hits home for her, given her royal background and how busy people are when they are running a government. It's something she's familiar with as affection from when she was young.

Michael is sort of a tough one, as she isn't much given to affection on that sort of level. When she is, I anticipate touch being the big thing, as she's not a touchy-feely person in general. On both sides.

Galadan demonstrates love and affection via honesty, and also through believing a person's wants and desires matter in and of themselves. He best and only receives affection from people in this category that want to give it, in whatever way works best for them. (At this juncture he likes three people and one NPC, so. I mean. It's a small sample volume, and they are all kind of different. I guess Quality Time is the common denominator?)

Dean expresses love through touch and acts of service. So many acts of service. I think what hits him hardest in return are words of affirmation, because he doesn't get those all that often. Or didn't, esp when growing up. Feelings are hard to talk about, okay??????

Nynaeve expresses affection through acts of service and words of beration, because if she's yelling at you to stop being stupid it means she cares. *wry* In return I think touch is a big thing for her, because as Wisdom (and prior to that an orphan), touch was something of a rarity. So was dancing. Anyway.

X-23 receives love best through touch, because she knows she's dangerous and weird and occasionally off-putting because she misses a lot of signals (or has in the past), so when people are comfortable enough to touch her, that's just so amazing. She also demonstrates love best through touch. Words are hard, okay? Physicality is easier. Her favorite is hand-holding. So so so much her favorite.

Sam Tyler -- he's too awkward sometimes for words of affirmation to count, exactly. But when he trusts you as someone he can come to for help, that's a biggie. And also I think quality time. I think quality time in reverse is also true. He's a weirdo. *solemn*

Sunshine expresses love primarily through Gift-Giving and Acts of Service, and occasionally through Words of Affirmation (more now than earlier in her life). She receives love best through Acts of Service and Quality Time.

Yrael expresses love through... well, all of them except Words of Affirmation. Especially prominent are Touch and Quality Time, though he occasionally will think of someone when he sees something, and get it for them as a gift, and would want his friends to know that if they need help, they would have his unquestioning help. He receives love best through Touch and Quality Time, as well.

Oh, I like this one.

Jess: She is kind of hard to answer for via canon as she's only had two somewhat healthy relationships I can think of. I would say Touch or Acts of Service are likely her truest expressions of affection. Definitely Acts of Service. If she cares for you she will do things without asking and will always be there when you need it, even if you don't know it. I think with her powers (the pheromone thing), she doesn't trust Touch as much as she'd like to and would have trouble trusting any expressions really. I'll have to think more on this, especially since how the pheromones work is weird via canon and my head canon.

Hank is definitely a Words of Affirmation and Quality Time type. Words have a lot of power for him.

Brimstone is strictly an Acts of Service type, though that could easily be because he feels that is the only way he can express himself to Karou. I'm having a hard time seeing him having affection for anyone else (though I know he has feelings for Issa and the Warlord) as he is very private in that way. I can see an argument being made for Gift Giving with how freely he gives her minor wishes.

Quin shows, or has show, his love through Acts of Service and Quality Time. He was not only a Jedi but a Spy when he first met Khaleen and yet he continued to partner with her for years, even after each assignment was completed.

Andrea will be Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service. Raphael will teach her the joy of Touching. (Bum'chicka'bo'wow)

Mulan: Totally Acts of Service! She doesn't express herself so much and her loyalty is about the only way she has to express her feelings. She so closed Aurora even mistook her sword brother affection for Philip as romantic love.

Answering for myself, I'd say Act of Service and Quality time are my strong expressions and what I hope to receive as well. I often do Gift Giving as well. I offer Words of Affirmation but have trouble trusting them when they are directed at me.

Edited 2014-05-09 19:49 (UTC)

Oh, cool, someone else subscribes to the 5 languages theory. Yay! So yeah, I've thought about this a lot and try to keep it in mind when I am interacting with other people. But I haven't considered that people express and receive in different modes, so that is a neat addition and complication to things.

So for myself, I am both heavily expressive and receptive in Acts of Service, with [Quiet] Quality Time coming in a close second. I don't know how this happened but I am really averse to Touch and Words of Affirmation, which is really unfortunate since that is what my father understands best :-/. I never quite understood why we didn't get along until I heard of the 5 Languages; now at least I can at least try to understand. Compatibility in this aspect of a relationship is important.

Anyway …

Amascut is a another who is strongly in the Acts of Service camp. Actions speak much louder than words for her, most likely because she spends so much time deceiving others and pretending to be someone else.

Fairy Fixit is likely most expressive in Words of Affirmation and most receptive in Acts of Service. She understands both well enough to express and receive through both, though.

Evil Chicken is definitely a Gift Giver and gift receiver.

Lucas usually expresses through Quality Time and Acts of Service, though he feels like it should be Gift Giving. This might be a reflection of him receiving best with Quality Time and Acts of Service, as well as the sort of community Tazmily used to be before introducing currency messed things up. Lucas was probably a little love-starved from the three years he spent living alone.

And speaking of guys who need a little love, I give you the most depressing optional boss fight I've ever seen.

Mia expresses with Acts of Service and Touch, with maybe a bit of Gift Giving. (And a note that Words of Affirmation had mixed results.) Whichever one sharing falls under. Being Guildmaster of Vane has become a joy when she realizes it means there's a place she can share with her friends. She receives best with Words of Affirmation and, thanks to Draco teaching her how to accept it, Gift Giving.

The Knight expresses with Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation, despite his thoughts on words nowadays. He receives best with anything but Words of Affirmation, his preferred being Quality Time.

This is a really interesting question.

Dejah Thoris gives love with quality time and touch. The closest relationship she's had since John's death is with Kantos Kan, and she makes a point to carve time out of her schedule just to sit down and have a drink with him. Also, when she's teaching in the lab, and looking over the shoulders of her students, she will put a hand on their shoulder as she watches them work. Her position doesn't afford her much in the way of social contact outside the Academy, and the duties of a Jeddak very rarely allow her to let her guard down. But she has a huge heart, and she does make a point to spend time among her people. She doesn't consider herself to be above them or apart from them. Acts of service might also qualify, as she'd fight to the death to keep them safe.

She receives love also via quality time and touch. As a Jeddak, people give her gifts all the time, and acts of service are attributed more to the position than to her personally. And she's learned to be skeptical of words of affirmation. Someone who makes a point to spend time with her, or dares to go against social conventions and give her a hug? That makes her feel loved.

Elrond shows love through Words and Touch. Touch can be a comforting hand or an embrace, or it could be holding hands.

Sometimes, his hands feel empty because Celebrian isn't there and his children have grown up. And he's a Noldo with all the love of language that entails. If course it's going to be Words.

He receives best through Time and Touch. All the others may too easily be perceived as being directed as his role (gifts, praise, acts of service).

Eric's expressive love language is Gifts and Touch. Also Biting (which I cannot help notice is absent from the list ) Of course, it's also his language of hate as well as indifference. Biting.

His receptive love language is Words , Touch, and Sex.
Viking Vampires do not feel rules apply to them apparently .

With Mark, it depends on the person. For family and friends, it's words and touch. His family has always been about hugs, and he tells his mother that he loves her regularly. (He used to do the same with his dad, but well... you know.) He's not above giving his oldest friend, William, a bropunch or an affectionate noogie, but most of their mutual affection is in the snark. Amber and he snark at each other some, but their mutual affection falls more into the typical boyfriend-girlfriend language of holding hands, making out, and just talking to each other (although neither of them has said "I love you" to the other yet). On a more general note, Mark demonstrates a general goodwill toward the majority of people by a) just being a nice guy and b) being Invincible. Though the latter is more out of a sense of responsibility, rather than affection.

This is fascinating.

Will expresses love through Acts of Service, Quality Time and Touch and in terms of receiving, Words of Affirmation are huge for him with Quality Time and Touch next. He tends to find it hard to always say how he feels but its easier to show by action.

Charles expresses love primarily through Quality Time, Touch, and Words of Affirmation. He does all of the others but these are the ones he's shown doing the most in canon. In terms of receptive, the one that means the most to him is Touch, because of his telepathy, being physically close to him is a key layer of intimacy.

Ivan comfortably expresses through Acts of Service, Quality Time and Gift Giving, when he's wooing Tej, they're the ones he does most. In terms of receiving, Quality Time and Touch matter a lot to him as he's from a busy world and sharing time matters a lot.

William doesn't find it easy to express love so mainly for him it comes through Acts of Service and Quality Time. While what make him feel better receiving is Touch and Words of Affirmation, it means a huge amount to him whenever someone tells him he's doing the right thing.

Sameth expresses love through Gift Giving and Acts of Service, he knows how to make and do things so he does them for those he loves. In terms of receiving, Words of Affirmation and Touch mean a huge amount to him though he's not good at asking for them.

Moist isn't terribly good at sincerely expressing love, but when he is sincere it comes in the form of Touch and Quality Time. In terms of receiving, Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service touch him the most, because they're harder to fake.

Jane expresses love through Touch and Quality Time, Words of Affirmation are part of her writing but her true feelings come through small moments. Receiving for her comes through Acts of Service and Touch, navigating the social minefields.

Demeter expresses love through Touch and Gift Giving while what makes her happiest is Quality Time, she needs time and space with someone she loves.

Tumnus expresses love through Gift Giving and Acts of Service and receives best through Touch and Words of Affirmation. When Lucy saw him and cared enough to dry his tears, he knew he was loved.

The Pirate King expresses love through Touch and Gift Giving, he gives Frederic things but also is constantly reaching out to Ruth. He receives love through Words of Affirmation, he needs to know the kind of pirate he is and Quality Time.

For me, I express love through Quality Time, Gift Giving and Touch, hugs and being near people make me happy as does finding things that make them smile. In terms of receiving, Touch and Quality Time are huge for me. This is really interesting and I'm realizing how much it says about these characters.

Glorfindel (I totally forgot him :O for the patronus one, so he gets to go first now): He's actually the easiest in terms of giving - acts of service, all the way. He's the one who makes sure all of the details are carried out, never saying much about it, but just making sure all the things get done, and to his standard. Receive....... I'd have to say touch. Both because of the trust necessary for that, and how many people see him as an unapproachable creature of myth, and never underestimate how absolutely wonderful touch can be when you've gone through the experience of being separated from your body, yes.

Jemma: To express - Words of affirmation in reverse, I'd say. Someone who's willing to argue with her to the ground, who'd take the time to form up their own opinion enough to both accept scrutiny and be able to defend their point... that's rare. She knows she's clever, that's been a given since she was tiny, being told that does absolutely nothing. Everyone she's become close to, pretty much, has told her no at one point or other, and had the gumption to back it up with something other than 'because I told you so'. To receive - it's an odd mix between gift giving and quality time - See the fateful mozzarella and prosciutto sandwich debacle for gift giving.

Katya: To express... mostly time, I think. As a creature who has the viable option to never interact with anyone directly, spending time with someone willingly says something. To receive... touch. She's secretly part limpet.

Bones: To express, like Nynaeve above, if he's bitching your out about something, and putting some heart behind it rather than just keeping up a distracted running commentary, it means he likes you, and dang it would you stop being such a tom-fool idiot because just how many times do you think I can patch you back together? To receive - I think affirmation, which I find hilarious, but... not just 'wow you're a good doctor!' because yes, he knows that, thanks, would you now like to comment about how water is wet? But for all that he likes to crow about victories (You know, sometimes I think I can cure a rainy day), it's very rare that someone will recognize just how much work he puts into efforts for other people, or just how much he cares. Compassion fatigue is a real thing, hearing you're not working in a void is fantastic.

Oswin: Express - though quality time, really. I'd say gift-giving, but she'll give anyone sitting still long enough one of her (edible) baked goods because people eat her things! :D! But, like Katya, she has the option (a crap option) of disappearing into her room and watching the world go by on her computer monitors with her little spy bots. To receive, touch. But. She's still slightly terrified of touch, just in case it fails, or something, because she still doesn't entirely or constantly trust that what she perceives as reality... is.

Sam: Express: Quality time - she knows how to sit and be unobtrusive and be a presence (knows how, does not frequently employ it, the girl is a walking wall of words sometimes). Recieve.... affirmation. Even if it's not directlty stated (thanks, Foyle).

Will: Express - it's a weird mix of gift-giving and service, and it's all tied up in his feelings about the Navy and duty and The Things A Man Does and all of that. He's a teenager in the navy, he just doesn't verbalize these things very well. Recieve: ... err. I'll get back to you on this one.

Ace: Express - through acts of service/gift giving. Giving time is a bit of a cop-out for the girl who has endless amounts, but she will move the moon and stars for someone she loves. Receive... touch. Pretty much yep.

Jay is a big fan of acts of service, especially when it comes to building or making things for someone he cares about. He's thoughtlessly generous when it comes to his friends because he can be. Same with gift giving.

David is a quality time person. He's a good listener but holds much of himself back. He's someone who people let things to but doesn't give much away.

Olivier is still learn how to show love but he likes giving people plants. Mostly because he believes these things should be shared with everyone and don't just belong to him.

With the caveat that Natasha does a lot of the things on the list as a matter of manipulation (or office politics, or both); she primarily shows love by acts of service (cooking being the main one, but by no means the only) and quality time. If she wants to hang around someone, and wants to feed them, chances are good that she genuinely cares for them.

And actually thinking about it, she receives love in much the same way. If someone takes the time to spend time with her, or help her, she's much more likely to believe that they actually enjoy her company.

Touch doesn't quite fit in with either category, even though it's a biiiiiig thing with her. If she steps into someone's personal space, or casually touches them, it's a huge sign of trust and love; but equally, she doesn't do it until she knows the person already feels those things for her.

Clementine: Sex and total slavish devotion. Oh Clem. So touch/acts of service.

Dixie: Actual, true-blooded loyalty. Dix mostly looks out for her own interests after everything that happened with Doc and her unstable childhood, so if she loves you her loyalty is the best gift she has.

Pinkie: ALL THE QUALITY TIME. EVERY SECOND OF THE QUALITY TIME. She will run herself ragged so you can do ALL THE THINGS TOGETHER FOREVER.

Juliet: Quality time, usually while out in the woods.

Eponine: All of the above. Poor girl is love-starved and when she fixates on you she will follow you like a lost puppy.

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de: but what is love

the ones I thought of before deciding to sleep :)

me!

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Late! But oh well

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