Wednesday DE

[ostro_goth]

 Your charrie is handed a child to look after for the next six hours.

What do they do?

Comments

[just_cant_lose]

'Hello, baby. You're very pink and screamy, aren't you? Here darling, here's a fork and there's a plug socket, you know what to do.

...no? Fine, here's a rattle, you owe me.'


can't wait 'til Sherlock brings Rosie into the bar omg

[nolittlevoice]

......is it a rattle coated with mercury?

[just_cant_lose]

We can't know that until Sherlock licks it. Jim says it's the rules, he doesn't make them up.

[mightbeagoodone]

Jim has just eliminated himself from ever, ever being left alone in a room with Rosie.

Which was perhaps his intent.

[just_cant_lose]

Jim: noooooooo darling, don't be like that! Your pet dog's little puppy will be fine with me, absolutely, no problem, Scout's honour. *whistle*

[mightbeagoodone]

Sherlock: No experimenting on the infant!

It'll just be confusing if we're both doing it.

[just_cant_lose]

Jim: ...fiiiiiiine, you have dibs.

But share your findings.

[hecu_marine]

"you had that child for six hours. HOW DID YOU TEACH HER TO DISAPPEAR IN PLAIN SIGHT IN SIX HOURS."

"I got to say, ma'am, you got yourself a real fuckin' fast learner there. Way I see it, you want to encourage that kind of talent in a child. Reckon it'll come in handy someday."

[has_it]

The police arrive and soon every local and regional news outlet is abuzz with reports that the person who handed the child over is guilty of reckless endangerment and criminal negligence, and possibly (allegedly) worse.

[have_no_mercy]

Tess already babysits Jonathan Queen from time to time. She's pretty good with kids his age (5-10), but babies would mystify her.

Kylo should not be handed a child.

Sikozu is basically still a child herself, so she's have fun with it and use it as research as to how tiny humans become the idiots they are.

[nolittlevoice]

Most of my characters would do just fine! I mean, Djehuty would probably end up putting some baboons and ibises on the job of actually entertaining the kiddo after the first hour or so, and the ACME Chief would set the kid to work solving improbable international crime, but nearly all my characters would be safe and responsible babysitters!

...Harry Monmouth might park the kid in front of the TV with a huge bowl of chips and wander off.

And Gredya might get annoyed and eat the baby.

[onceaviking]

"A teacup human? Oh, they can be fun ".

Yeah. No. Let's not.


Elrond would, of course, handle it with grace and skill.

[feminine_menace]

Is the term "teacup human" something from Eric's canon? I think I've seen you use it before.

[onceaviking]

It is.

Tiny humans and teacup humans.
Pam is not a fan.

[lazy_but_loyal]

Pam thinks they stink but Eric thinks they're delicious but whatever.

[onceaviking]

[inlovewithwords]

Eriond: happily looks after the baby. Parents should hope there are no side effects from playing with a God.

Evelyn: is super confused and awkward. Manages, but is glad to be rid of the responsibility (at this point she is a 'kids are nice if they are someone else's problem' type).

Artoo: beeps in foul language that he is not programmed for this, wishes for someone with more hands than he has, and is successful (he can manage adult Skywalkers, he can manage a baby)

Lois: complains a lot, insists she can handle this without help, fumbles but is competent, and probably takes the kid with her accidentally into something above infant paygrade rather than leave it unsupervised. Is way better than she thinks at this. She is both glad and disappointed to be rid of it (all this is assuming she does not have Clark to foist the job on). Hope the baby doesn't learn anything from her.

Tavi: assuming he is past wartime conditions, as he is so not getting a kid thrust on him while actively in battle, he will sigh and resign himself to juggling paperwork and meetings and baby. Also, babyspit makes a great weapon and deterrent. Guaranteed someone gets chewed on and he thinks it's funny.

Anakin: Do not hand Anakin a baby. Ever. Please. Unless the baby is Luke, Leia, Jacen, Jaina, Anakin, or Ben (either one) or Rey or one of their kids or an AU family of his somehow. He will actually try with those.

[maid_of_tarth]

Brienne has this happen to her in canon. She sort of unintentionally adopts him as her squire and they roam warzones together. Uh, she keeps him safe? Safer than he would be otherwise, roaming warzones by himself? So that's something?

If the standard isn't 'keeping the kid alive in a warzone and teaching him swordfighting,' though, she would not be good.

Fantine would be great at it, fun and patient and sweet.


Combeferre would be okay. If the kid was science-minded or history-minded or weapons-geek-minded or otherwise nerdy, they'd get along famously. Otherwise, he'd be a minimally competent babysitter in the same way that any non-evil adult human would be (feeding the kid, keeping the kid out of traffic, etc.), and probably play along with any games patiently, but he would not be especially good, and he'd be relieved to hand the kid over.

Jehan Prouvaire would also be okay. He would be good if the kid liked ghost stories or love stories or games of the imaginative sort. Otherwise...again, minimally competent, but not good.

[cottoncandypink]

Mark and Dodger both would probably play with the kid happily.

Xephos, there's a 50/50 chance that the kid would get blown up.

Wilford, lol no. Don't do this.

[feminine_menace]

I would not trust Wilford with a pet rock let alone a child. ;)

[cottoncandypink]

srsly

[death_gone_mad]

Amascut might ask, "Is this food?"

Nah, actually, at the end of the six hours, plausible deniability will be her best friend. Don't hand her children.

Fairy Fixit on the other hand will easily be able to find ways to keep a child occupied. I mean, a she's a magical fairy after all; the kid might actually spend half the time just STARING at the flying talking buglady. Said child might lose some babyteeth prematurely though. But it will be FOR SCIENCE!

[feminine_menace]

YT would barely be able to tamp down her panic, but she'd be able to keep the kid un-kidnapped and in one piece. More or less. Kid might learn some salty language to take home to the folks.

Abe no Seimei would do just fine! He loves kids. He would probably give a magical tchotchke to his charge to take home.

[misslucyjane]

Sherlock will try to reason with the child. This will not go well.

Steve will freak out for about five minutes, then be Adorably Competent.

Furiosa will give it back.

[mjolnir_retriever]

Enjolras: Immediately looks for someone more competent to handle this. Possibly while holding the child at arm's length in stiff bafflement with a what just happened help look on his face.

If no one else were around, he would manage... tolerably? Not WELL; he has zero nurturing instinct and very little close-quarters experience with caring for kids. But he wouldn't be actively cruel or knowingly neglectful, and he would try to keep them fed. He would only really do well with a kid old enough to be somewhat self-sufficient and inclined to read quietly or nerd out about stuff.

Thor: If it's a human infant: would hold it very very carefully and very still and look around for someone else to take over please. HELP THEY'RE LIKE SUPER FRAGILE AND EVERYTHING BREAKS THEM.

If it's an older human child: still have a tendency to freeze up and let them use him as a jungle gym, but otherwise be pretty good! Especially if Bar or someone knowledgeable is around to double-check "should human children ingest that, y/n/in limited quantity?" He's definitely got strong Cool Uncle tendencies.

If it's an Asgardian kid or otherwise super-durable: activating Cool Uncle mode! It'd go great. (Maybe less so with an infant, but just with comedic diaper mishaps and WHY ARE THEY CRYING NOW? and stuff.) The kid could still totally use him as a jungle gym, but he wouldn't worry about breaking them by moving wrong while they did it.

Kazul: Grumbles at the circumstances, grumbles more at everybody who's behaving less sensibly about the whole thing, coos over the kid when nobody's looking, and generally does an excellently grandmotherly job about the whole thing.

Cosette: Would be a little at sea with a baby, but would gamely try to get by with empathy and Natural Womanly Instinct! That would take her fairly far, because Cosette is a pretty emotionally attuned person who grew up with expectations of motherhood and generally caring for kids, but it might make her more prone than even most people to burst into tears around the kid has been wailing for two hours and she can't get them to stop and she's supposed to be good at this. Marius would have been skittishly wide-eyed since the child first appeared, I suspect. Valjean or Fantine would perform the traditional (quasi-)grandparently role of patting her soothingly, telling her that babies do this and she should go sit down somewhere quiet for a bit, and then taking over.

If it were an older kid, though, Cosette would do fine. She's had practice with the younger kids at her school! Culture gap might be a thing, but they'd probably manage.

Doctor Dinosaur: Uh. Lunch.

Unless the kid is old enough to outsmart him. Which, canonically, does not need to be all that old.

[clayforthedevil]

Bahorel genuinely enjoys being around kids, he's done it plenty, he would be fine babysitting for a few hours. There is probably going to be a bit of healthy chaos wreaked in the name of entertainment, but he knows what he's doing there, it'll be fine.

Joly knows the physical requirements for childcare pretty well, on theoretical level, but the actual like...caring..bit...is something he has spent all his life assuming would be done by other people (who are women), at least for young kids. Around the 11--12 age, he'd expect a kid to be capable of Study , or Work, or other sustained focus, and he'd be fine tutoring a bookish kid. A rambunctious kid...will get passed on to Bahorel. (Joly COULD cope for a few hours. He would just be internally totally freaking out the whole time.)


Gringoire sets the kid down, wanders off, realizes they forgot to bring the kid, shrugs, and goes on with his life. Can't go keeping track of every one he never sees again! There's architecture to study, and goats to train, and things! (Sorry, hypothetical child. You're on your own.)

[anewhero]

Marcus: He would try to look who's kid it is first, and then try to gain their trust. He shows them weapons training and much more.

Jak: Loves kids, bad habit training.